


they’re gonna clean up your looks

by dame_de_la_chance



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, LGBTQ Themes, Nonbinary Character, Post Season 2, Shopping, Sibling Bonding, ben died but he got better, everyones gay and probably a little cisn’t, plots to steal from hot topic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:40:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26096518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dame_de_la_chance/pseuds/dame_de_la_chance
Summary: After realising Five hasn’t changed outfits in the months after the apocalypse, the Hargreeves decided to go to the mall to get Five new clothes.
Comments: 17
Kudos: 149





	they’re gonna clean up your looks

“Hello, hello. Welcome, friends, enemies, and acquaintances to this week’s family meeting.”

“Wait, wait.” Diego, two seconds in, is already interjecting. “Wait, who falls under which category?”

“Not important. Besides, I like to keep you guys on your toes.”

“Klaus, please keep in mind that the only reason we are all here is because Allison rumoured us to come,” Luther states. He’s already rubbing his forehead. “Say your shit so we can get this over with.”

Allison nods. “I’m not rumouring them to stay.”

“Fine! Fine. This meeting is about you!”

Klaus points directly at Five, who’s sitting at the top of the couch, next to Vanya and Ben, who both turned to look at Five. He nurses on a pot of coffee, gazing back at Klaus with an unimpressed gaze. Klaus moves from his stance against the doorway to wander over to the couch they’re all sitting on, plopping down in between Ben’s legs, who lets out a deep sigh, already knowing Klaus is about to cause trouble.

Klaus rubs Five’s head, upsetting his already rather ratty head of hair. Five hisses. “Klaus, I am literally a trained assassin. Do you know how many ways there are to kill a man with a coffee pot?”

“Um.... ten?”

“Seventy six. Eighty two if I’m feeling particularly creative.”

“Honestly, that’s a bit more threatening than an actual, specific threat.”

“Listen, I’m all for family bonding time,” Vanya begins with a tone that easily contradicts her statement, “but what do you mean? What’s wrong with Five?”

“Nothing.” Five takes a sip of his coffee. “I’m honestly perfect.”

“Other than his usual homicidal tendencies and arrogance? Not much.”

“So what the hell is this meeting about?” Diego looks ready to pull out his hair. “Can we please cut to the chase here?”

“Fine, fine, fine.” Klaus pouts. “You guys are absolutely no fun!”

“What’s the issue with Five?” Ben presses, trying to keep him on task.

Klaus dramatically hauls himself onto his feet before waving to Five’s entire body like he’s Vannah White displaying a new car. Five raises an eyebrow but continues to drink his coffee. Klaus is met with at least four other sighs.

“Look at him. Look again. And again. What’s wrong here?”

“Other than the fact that our little brother is thirteen even though he’s actually supposed to be a fifty eight year old man?” Allison deadpans. “Not much.”

“Yeah, I don’t get it.” Vanya tilts her head, watching Five with a soft gaze. 

“The apocalypse- or, well, _apocalypses... apocalypsi? ... apocalypses_ \- happened three months ago today, um, chronologically or whatever,” Klaus announces. 

“Yeah, we are well aware,” Luther bites, then sighs. “And that means…?”

“Five has not changed clothes since those three months.”

Everyone in the room blinks for a moment. Then, almost unconsciously, they all seem to lean in a bit to take in Five again. Five, who has now become the center of attention twice in the span of ten minutes, and not because of his scathing wit or intelligence, unconsciously seems to get smaller next to Ben. “What are you nitwits looking at, huh? We don’t exactly have a bunch of clothes my size lying around the house. Dad didn’t prep us with much civilian disguises or whatever.”

“He has a point,” Ben chimes.

“Look at him, in those little shorts and his knee highs and his school boy uniform!” Klaus bemoans. “This is terrible! Why are we making him wear the same outfit we were all repeatedly traumatized in?”

“Huh,” Allison mutters. “I never thought of it that way.”

“Have you been wearing the same outfit this entire time?” Diego asks, curious.

Five scoffs at him. “I may have been trapped in a wasteland for forty years, but I do have a basic sense of hygiene, dumbass. No, I’ve been wearing the ones that were left in my closet.”

“Then why are there suspicious bloodstains on your collar?” Ben chides, yanking on the white collar that, yep, definitely has faded blood splatters on it.

“Five, we told you, killing people isn’t good,” Luther lectures, and it's abundantly clear this isn’t the first time they’ve had this discussion.

Five frowns, but hesitates, before answering. “Listen, I haven’t killed anyone since the last apocalypse. But I…”

“But…?” Klaus mirrors, which earns him a scowl.

“Well, again, I was trapped in a wasteland for forty years. And I never had a reason to learn when I was employed with the Commission… I don’t know how to do laundry. I can’t get the stains out.”

“That’s both very sad but also kind of hilarious,” Diego states. Five turns his glare back to him, and Diego holds his hands up like he’s surrendering.

“Christ,” Vanya states. “We need to get you out of these blood stained clothes. How has nobody seen you and thought you were suspicious?”

“I don’t exactly leave the house much. There’s still the legal ramifications of being back from the technical dead, after all.”

“Wow, we really have a lot of things to fix, huh?” Allison taps her chin. “I literally didn’t even think about the fact that the state and stuff legally has you as deceased. We should definitely fix that for you.”

“Don’t worry, little big bro,” Klaus begins, leaning his weight on Five, who doesn’t even seem to feel it. “You can just borrow my social security number for now.”

“What do you think I’ve been doing? Also, you now have a driver’s license.”

“What? Wait! You-”

Five sips on his coffee with a bright smile on his lips.

“Okay, well, identity theft is still better than murder,” Luther decides. “Your crimes are beginning to water down, I guess.”

“He stole my identity! Can we please discuss this?”

“No.”

Vanya giggles just a little. “Sorry about your identity Klaus, but let’s be honest, you’re not using it much. You don’t have a job, a bank account, a car, a driver’s license, a home, or anything that requires you to have one.”

“I love making fun of what a bum Klaus is,” Ben begins, “but can we get back to the fact that Five has no clothes?”

“I do!”

“Clothes that are not the same as the ones we endured our childhood trauma through.”

“Jokes on you, I have much different childhood trauma than you.”

“That’s something we are going to unpack at a later date,” Allison states. “But seriously Five, we should get you some new clothes.”

“Also, maybe you shouldn’t go by Five? I mean, it does raise a lot of weird questions, and also, we don’t have to go by numbers anymore.” Luther rubs his neck. “You know?”

“My name is Five,” Five spits. “And where the hell are we going to find clothes for me?”

“Oh, I don’t know, literally any store in town?” Klaus narrows his eyes at him. “Where else?”

“Sometimes I forget clothing stores aren’t completely decimated and the clothes inside aren’t all turned into ash. It was actually pretty hard finding clothing that fit me in the apocalypse.”

“I definitely feel like we should talk about this sometime,” Vanya quietly adds.

“But for now, let’s start with one thing at a time.” Allison claps her hands together. “We’re going shopping!’

“Count me out.” Diego’s already inching towards the door. “There’s no point in me being here.”

“Oh, yes there is. This is going to be a family bonding time!” Klaus clasps his fingers together. “That’s why I called all of you guys here. Surely, with six different tastes in fashion, we can figure out at least a couple of nice outfits for Five?”

“This sounds fun and all,” Five begins, “but where the hell is the money for this?”

“Uh, good old Dad?” Klaus rolls his eyes. “He’s not here to keep us from spending his money.”

“What money? I’m like, 95% sure there’s no will, and also he burned all the cash he has.” Diego crosses his arms, unimpressed.

Klaus frowns. “That’s true. I’ve searched all over this place and haven’t found a single penny. What a cheapskate.”

“Well,” Vanya begins, slyly. “Allison could just rumour us some money…”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Come on, the timeline got all fucked up and none of us have jobs. Luther was stuck on the moon for four years. Do you think Diego has a savings account from his vigilante work? Allison, you’re not even famous anymore and I doubt you have much in your account. Klaus was literally a drug addict and he’s sober, yes, but he still has literally not a dollar to his name. Five is… Five. I was literally a ghost for, like, seventeen years and the ghost economy is in shambles. Vanya’s the only one here who actually has a job- and no, working for the Commission does not qualify as a job, I don’t care- and we are not going to make her pay for this.”

Allison sighs. “Fine, fine. You prove a rather… compelling point.”

“I’d be happy to pay,” Five began, “but the Handler stole all of my savings out of my retirement fund, and I am no longer with a pension. Sorry.”

“That’s terrible but that’s also literally the funniest fucking thing. You tried to kill her and she just steals your fucking retirement funds?” Klaus looks like he’s holding back tears. “Literally what the fuck is our lives.”

“Hearing “my retirement funds” come out of you, with the face of a thirteen year old kid, is weird,” Diego adds.

“Another five years with the Commision and I would be in a vacation in Bermuda.”

“Huh, they treat their employees pretty well?”

“Only the higher ups. If you were a grunt like Hazel and Cha-Cha or what Diego would have started off as, then you get easily fucked over.”

“Okay, okay, the Commission- aka, the time travelling assassin agency that tried to kill us numerous times- has great benefits.” Allison rolls her eyes. “Great to know. Now, let’s head to the mall.”

“Wait. Who’s driving?”

There’s a pause.

“Luther?”

“Yeah, uh. I never learned… I worked missions with Dad and spent the last few years on the moon. Diego?”

“Uh… well, I have a license, but it’s… suspended.”

“Of course. Vigilante work?”

“Some small, illegal turns.” He coughs. “Allison?”

“Dad never taught us and when I was famous, I was driven everywhere. Klaus… well.”

“Hey, I can drive, like, military stuff.”

“Not helpful. Ben?”

“I’ve been a ghost for the past two decades? I’m also pretty sure I’m still classified as legally dead, also. Vanya?”

“I lived close to downtown. I always just walked places. I can drive, since I learned in the 60s, but I don’t have a license or anything.”

Five stands up and pulls out something from the inside of his pocket. He waves it around, appearing awfully smug. “Am I seriously the only one here with a driver’s license?”

Klaus snatches it out of his hands. “Hey, this is registered under my name?”

“I told you, you technically have a driver’s license now.” Five snatches it back. “But it has my picture on it, so I’m driving.”

“I’m sorry, there’s just a lot of implications here. Firstly, you managed to pass a driver’s test?”

“I’ve had a lot of time during the apocalypse and under the Commission to learn.”

“But you look twelve?”

“There’s plenty of baby faced people in this world. No one batted an eye at me.”

“I can not believe how easy it was for you to fucking steal my identity,” Klaus bemoans.

“Blah, blah. Can we look on the bright side here? At least someone in this house has a fucking driver’s license.” Five crosses his arms. “Now, are we going or not? Because if I’m driving, I get to pick the music.”

“If it’s old person music, I’d rather let Ben at the wheel and see how quickly we can get arrested.”

-

The ride to the mall was… strangely normal.

Five blared death metal the entire time, so it definitely wasn’t old person music, but everyone’s ears were ringing a bit when they came to a gentle stop next to the main entrance. As it turns out, when not in precarious save the world scenarios, Five is actually a pretty good driver. He even uses his turn signals. The music pumping out of the speakers was the only cause for people to look their way on the road (other than, of course, the fact that _Five_ , the thirteen year old, was driving).

But they made it there in one piece, so there weren't too many complaints from them.

“God, did you have to play that shit the entire time?” Luther moans as they begin to walk into the east entrance, right into a local, unimportant branded department store. “My ears are still ringing.”

“It’s called having a good taste in music,” Five growls. “Something you wouldn’t know. I played this during my time at the Commission to relax.”

“I like it,” Ben adds.

“Well, duh, of course the resident goth likes death screamo music.” Klaus loving teases Ben’s hair. 

“I was thirteen, man. Everyone was emo at thirteen.”

“Yeah, but you were the worst.” Allison nods. “Even worse than Diego, and that man liked to carry knives around at the age of seven.”

“For practical reasons!”

“For the edge.”

“To speed up this fucking nightmare of a trip that I’m already regretting,” Five drawls. “Where do we go first?”

“I’m thinking Claire’s,” Klaus loudly decides.

“No,” is echoed across six distinct voices.

“Fine.”

“I want to go to Dave’s Formalwear.”

“We don’t have that, firstly, and secondly, you can’t wear suits, Five.”

“Why.”

“You’re twelve.”

“I’m fifty-fucking-eight-”

“Yes, but you look twelve, and they wouldn’t have suits in your size.” Allison sighs. “Let’s just shop in this store we’re already in, ok? It seems nice, I guess.”

“What is this? JCPenney? Gap? Dillards? It looks like literally every department store,” Diego asks, glancing around.

“Who gives a shit? Can we just get on with this?”

“We’re going to Spencer’s,” Klaus orders.

“No, we’re not.”

“Ben and I will.”

“No, we won’t.” 

“Fine. I will.”

“Later.”

“Deal.”

They split up for a little while, searching through the department for clothes they think Five will like. Five sticks to Vanya and Klaus and Ben’s side, while Diego, Allison, and Luther fuck off to a different part of the store. He doesn’t really pay much attention to the clothes they’re grabbing, instead, he’s eyeing all the mannequins. Delores isn’t in this store, he’s pretty sure, but he does ache a bit at the thought of her, or really, the nostalgia of the concept of her.

They travel through the entire store. They pass through the prom dress department, and Five catches himself staring at the dresses a bit while they make their way through. They pass through the girl’s department and Five touches a couple of skirts before following behind his siblings as they try to find the boy’s section.

It takes an hour or so for them to regroup with a handful of outfits. Klaus looks much, much too thrilled with whatever garbage he’s collected. Vanya appears nervous. Ben and Luther appear bored out of their minds. Allison is also way too excited, and while DIego’s trying to pretend to be indifferent, he seems interested in this.

“Okay.” Five stares at them. “Now what?”

“You’re going to try on these clothes.” Allison frowns. “You didn’t pick anything for yourself?”

“There’s no suits for men here.”

“You mean little boys?”

Five kicks Diego in the shin, causing him to sink into a nearby waiting chair. “I’m not looking for suits for you.”

“Just try one outfit from each of us,” Allison tries. “Who do you want to try first?”

Five sighs, knowing that fighting them all off it a battle he won’t win at this moment. He’s already calculated the odds of seven different escape plans. He sighs again, just for emphasis, before glancing at each of them. “All of your fashion tastes are, frankly, horrific. But alright. Ben, hand it over.”

Ben appears rather pleased at being picked to go first. He dumps the clothes in his hands into Five’s, who begrudgingly heads inside the changing room. It doesn’t take him too long, although they can hear a lot of sighing- he’s not enthralled with it.

Five appears once again, this time looking like he’s walked straight out of 2006. Checkered vans match his checkered hoodie, he’s wearing black basketball shorts and a band shirt Five doesn’t want to say. He stares directly at Ben, who nervously chuckles.

“In all fairness,” Ben begins. “I did die during the height of fashion that was the early 2000s.”

“Emofuck,” Diego breaths.

“Is that a fucking The Used shirt? With a fucking My Chmeical Romanhe hoodie? In this fucking department store?” Klaus raves. “If you don’t want it, I’ll take it.”

Five rolls his eyes. “Okay, who’s next? Because I’m not keeping this shit on for long.”

“How about me?” Vanya shyly offers. Five softens ever so slightly and takes the pile of clothes in her hand. 

“Thanks, Vanya.”

Five moves to get changed. Diego grumbles. “Why’s he only nice to Vanya?”

“She’s our baby sister, man. We’ve all got a sweet spot for her now that we don’t hate each other,” Klaus explains.

“Jury’s still out,” Five calls out.

“But we were all born at the same time?” Luther begins. “There is no older sibling.”

“But the vibes are still here, man.”

The door opens. Five is dressed in an oversized flannel and some loose jeans. 

“Vanya,” Five begins, with a tone that’s much softer than what he’s used with the rest of them. “This is a great look and all, but, well, I’m not a cottagecore lesbian.”

Diego bursts into laughter. Vanya takes the criticism with ease. “Sorry, I guess I’m still thinking about Sissy and the farm.”

“It’s a good look. But definitely better on you.” Five turns back to his other siblings. “Alright, bastards, who’s next?”

“Here.” Luther dumps his clothes into Five’s hands.

It doesn’t take Five long to get changed. “I look like a depressed boxer.”

“I just wear athletic stuff and trench coats,” Luther states. “I know about as much fashion as Ben.”

“Hey! I know plenty of fashion.”

“From what, 2003?”

“It’s… well, I still know fashion.”

“From 2003.”

“When you’re a ghost for seventeen years, then you can make fun of me, ok?”

“Next,” Five impatiently calls. 

Diego rolls his eyes. “Here, twerp. You might not appreciate this look, but at least it’s tasteful.”

“Doubt it.”

Five slams the door before Diego can bark back. Klaus appears curious at Diego’s clothes. “You? With taste? Don’t tell me you snuck to the BDSM store to get Five clothes.”

“Shut up! My leather suit is not fucking kinky or whatever.”

“To be fair, there did look like a bunch of leather in that pile of clothes,” Vanya slyly adds. Diego places a hand on his heart, clearly betrayed.

The door is yanked open. Five stands there in decently fitting jeans, a leather jacket, and a comfortable looking neutral shirt with a studded belt. A flannel shirt is tied around his waist. 

“Well,” Allison begins. “He doesn’t look like he walked out of the 2000s.”

“Diego, the grunge movement of the 90s called,” Klaus heckles. “They want their fashion sense back.”

“Oh, fuck off!”

“I’ll admit,” Five begins. “This actually isn’t that bad.”

Diego holds his head up triumphantly. “See! I have taste.”

Five rolls his eyes. “That’s a stretch. Now who’s next?”

“Me! Me!” Klaus dumps his items into Five’s hands, who regards the lump of fabrics suspiciously.

“I’m fairly certain I see a feather boa here.” 

Klaus winks at him.

Five moves to go inside the dressing room, clearly displeased by Klaus’s antics. Each sibling glances at Klaus, who’s watching the dressing room with a smug smile.

Five exits the dressing room, still wearing Diego’s outfit. ‘Yeah, there’s no way in hell I’m putting on this outfit.”

“It can't be that bad.”

Five sets the pieces of clothes on the chair next to him before picking up each item, one at a time. There is a leather pleated skirt, a feather boa, a fur coat, and a tube top. Five stares at each item in disdain.

“Well, I would have tried harder, but I got distracted by the cashier.” Klaus fans himself. “The chick was a total hottie, and so was her twin brother.”

“This feels like an exact outfit that you have,” Luther chides, feeling the texture of the leather skirt. “I’m almost positive.”

Klaus juts up his chin. “Listen, it’s a very good combination.”

“For a homeless, flamingly homosexual man like you, yes,” Five states. “I’m not any of that.”

“Well, we’ll see. How many of us ended up at least a little gay, again?”

Vanya raised her hand. Allison followed. Klaus’s ‘hello’ hand was raised sky high. Ben shrugged and imitated Klaus. Diego begrudgingly held up a hand. Luther hesitantly held up his own.

“Okay, well, I suppose the gay people roam in packs thing is true,” Allison observes.

Five just rolls his eyes. “Very glad you all have had time to discover your sexuality. I haven’t exactly had the time. Anyway, this junk isn’t going anywhere near my skin.”

“Boo!” Klaus cries. “Shunned and shamed by my own brother! Just spit slurs at me already and kick me!”

“Happily.”

“Well, this leaves Allison,” Luther notices, glancing at the pile of clothes still in her hands. She seems to have a pensive expression scribbled across her face as she glances at some of the other clothes her siblings have picked out. Five watches her expectantly, and if she peered closer, she might find that he was a bit nervous over her hesitation.

“Actually,” she begins. “I’ve changed my mind. I think I’m going to pick out a new outfit.”

“What? That’s cheating!”

“We could do that?” Ben moans.

“Hey Five, follow me.” Allison winks to him, and while there was clear disdain in his eyes, he still moved to follow after her.

“What? You’re both just leaving us behind?” Diego demanded.

“Yes. It’s time for a little one on one bonding, a little girl time. We’ll be right back. I just think I have a good outfit and I want Five to give me his honest opinion without a bunch of eyes watching him.”

Five appears cautious at her words. “What unholy atrocity before god have you found?”

“You’ll see.”

Allison begins to walk and Five follows. They ambled across the store in a quiet, good natured silence, and while Five seemed uncertain about what Allison was trying to do, it was otherwise an amicable silence between them. 

They passed through various parts of the store, moving further from the men’s section, then the boy’s section, through the furniture areas, and past rows and rows of shoes. Allison walked briskly and confidently, and Five couldn’t help but feel confused over where they were headed.

“What, are we just leaving the store?” Five asked. “I’m not complaining here. But I am curious as to why we’re ditching everyone.”

“We’re not. And we’re almost there.”

It takes a few more moments before Five realises where they’re headed to. Once they round the corner, Five’s eyes are bludgeoned with the shimmering pinks and purples of the girl’s clothing department. Right across from it is the women’s and juniors section, and Five can see further down the rows of prom dresses he had seen earlier.

“Why are we…?”

“Come on, I saw you staring at the dresses and the skirts earlier.” Allison tugs him along, however gently. “I figured you might want to try something.”

“But I’m…” Five frowned. He wasn’t expecting this turn around, and he didn’t like surprises. 

“Not a girl?” She hums. “Perhaps. But neither is Klaus, and he wears skirts and stuff all the time. And you’re okay with it, aren’t you?”

“Well, of course. But that’s just.. Well, that’s just Klaus. He’s always been like that.”

Allison smiles while they reach the end of the girl’s section and cross into the juniors. They’re headed towards the skirts aisle, and Five had to admit, he was curious.

“I think you’ve been like that, too.” Allison begins to pick through the skirts, skimming over ones that don’t grab her interest. “It’s been a while for me, and even longer for you, but I do remember when we were a bit younger, not long before you disappeared, how you argued with Diego that skirts in a battle actually proved to be more ‘battle appropriate’, since they allowed for your legs to move more freely.”

“I stand by it.”

She laughs. “Vanya told me once you stole one of her skirts. You know, there’s no shame in wanting to try out these sorts of things.”

Five glances at the clothes. He knew this, of course. Back in the apocalypse, there wasn’t really such a thing as gender, when there was no one there to view him as a boy. He’d put on any clothes he could salvage, and some of those were various skirts and dresses he could find. He always thought they fit nice, and would have worn them more, until the Commission showed up. They gave him clothes, helped pick out disguises for the certain years he was sent to. There wasn’t room for skirts on that.

“And clothes don’t have gender.” She picked up a dark blue skirt that would probably reach Five’s knees. It looked nice and flowy, easy to maneuver in. She glanced at him, a curious gleam in her eyes. “And, you know, there’s not just boys and girls. There’s lots of genders.”

Five’s faintly aware of the concept. Spending time in the Commission and finding tatters of magazines and such have given him a vague awareness of such. He was aware of how the LGBT+ community seemed to become a bit more accepted into society. There were a lot of things he, admittedly, still wasn’t sure about.

“You know,” she begins, pulling out another skirt. This one was black, pleated, and a bit shorter than the first one. “You know, you don’t have to be a boy, either. You could be a girl, if you wanted. Or something else. Do you know what you want to be? How much do you know about the more modern perceptions of gender?”

Five stands there, eyeing the skirts in her hands. He does want to wear them, and there’s something comforting in the words Allison’s saying. He’s not quite sure what he’s feeling when he looks at those skirts, when he looks at his body.

He’s not sure how much of the discomfort he’s had with his body stemmed from his days of rigorous training, from being his only sibling to grow old, and from being suddenly thrust back into the body of a thirteen year old. He doesn’t quite know where he fits, never had, and isn’t sure he ever will. This isn’t just a math formula for him to solve- it’s a social construct he’s already learned to ignore, yet can’t seem to actually rid himself of it.

“Well, sorry that I don’t have a dissertation prepared over my gender course studies. I haven’t exactly had the time to learn, considering a lot of that material was wiped clean from the earth and I was a bit busy trying to, you know, learn how to time travel to stop the apocalypse?”

Alison takes his bitter rebuttal in stride, just like always. The two of them seemed to have a complicated relationship with words, though in different manners, and words always seemed to feel different from each other than anyone else. Neither of them could pin point it.

“You have plenty of time to figure it out and such. You know, Klaus is genderfluid?”

“Oh?” Five doesn’t really know what that means.

“Yeah. His gender fluctuates. He uses any pronouns, by the way.”

“Huh.” Five eyes a skirt on the end of the rack, but doesn’t move to grab it. “Interesting.”

“Yeah. So if you want to figure out gender things, he might be the best person to talk to.”

“So why did you start this conversation with me?” Five can’t help it; he has to know if there’s an ulterior motive. Call him paranoid.

“Well, I think I’m the only one that noticed.” She shrugged. “Claire is trans.”

Something in Five stirs at that. He’s not sure what emotion is in his chest, but it feels heavy and warm.

“So, well, after figuring that out, we made some changes. We adapted. And when I thought of you as a kid, you acted a lot like her. And you still do. So I figured I might as well see if you were interested in learning a bit more.”

“I… I think I am.”

“Claire would probably be happy to talk to you about this. She thinks of you as her favourite, anyway.”

Five’s throat is dry at the thought of being anyone’s favourite, let alone a small child who he’s never met before. He rubs his eyes and fakes a yawn, trying to hide the way they’re beginning to water. “I always did want to meet her. I bet she’s just like you- stubborn and way too perceptive.”

Allison smiles. “That sounds like you.”

Allison then pulls another skirt down and turns to face Five fully. “Alright, so is there one in particular you like? I was just pulling down things I thought you might like. A little more toned down. A little modest. But is there anything you really want to look at?”

He hesitates. But this is Allison, and there’s no shame in indulging himself, if only this once. So he blinks away from her in a flash of blue light, causing her to startle. Before she has the time to get nervous, he appears right back in the spot he left, holding a blue dress.

Allison stares at it, curiously. She moves to touch the material and cocks her head at Five. “Well, that’s much more gaudy then I would have expected.”

“Delores liked sequins,” he says, hesitantly, before adding, “And, well, I guess I grew fond of them, too.”

She smiles at him again. “Come on, let’s go try some of this on. That shade of blue will look great on you, and I think I have a pair of shoes that’ll fit nicely with it.”

When they reach the fitting rooms, everyone is right where they had left them. It does make some of the tension in Five disappear at the sight of them all in one place, exactly where he’d left them. It’s just nice to see.

Klaus is hounding Diego and Ben. “Hey, we should go to Hot Topic! Come on Ben, I know you want back in.”

“We got banned from there, remember?” Ben says, sounding almost remorseful. “We stole too many pins.”

“Come on, that was ten years ago in a different timeline. I’m sure it’s fine.”

“If we get arrested for trespassing, I’m pinning the blame on you.”

“I’m going to steal more MCR pins.”

“Well, duh, what’s the point of going?”

“Guys, please stop plotting crimes in front of me,” Diego states. “It makes me want to join.”

“Don’t worry Diego, we’ll get you some nice Mindless Self Indulgence pins.”

“Fuck off, and also, I can steal my own pins.”

Without a word, Five walks between his siblings, holding some of the clothes he and Allison had picked out. Diego turns to see him, and looks a moment away from making a snide remark when he sees what’s in Five’s hands.

Klaus beats him to a comment, however, and he starts clapping his hands like an excited school girl. “Aw, Fivey! I would have never guessed we have a similar fashion sense.”

“We don’t,” Five states, mocking offense at the implications of sharing anything with Klaus. “You dress like a clown. I dress like a normal person. Fuck off.”

Vanya smiles at their antics. “I think you’ll look great, Five.”

Those few words do manage to boost a bit of confidence in him. “Thanks.”

Five slips into the dressing room. It’s been years since Five’s put on something that isn’t a suit and tie, let alone a dress. Sure, during the apocalypse he would put on whatever clothes he could find, but living in the present has him remembering the punishments his father would deal when he caught Klaus or him stealing Allison and Vanya’s skirts.

He pushed the door open with absolute confidence. His hands were not shaking in the slightest.

“Aw,” Luther began. “Five, you look adorable.”

“What a cutie!” Klaus sings.

“You look great,” Ben adds, leaning on Klaus’s shoulder.

“You look great in blue,” Diego states.

“It’s a good look on you!” Vanya says with a shy smile.

“You all better shut the fuck up before I use this dress to strangle you all until you’re the same shade as it.”

“Visceral,” Klaus says.

“Ah, you’d like that.” Five rubs his fingers through his hair.

“Seriously,” Allison begins. “You look great.”

With all eyes peering at him with so many genuine compliments spilling off their tongues, Five gazes a bit to the left, feeling his cheeks warm with agitation ( _not_ adoration). He hasn’t been complimented much in his forty year isolation besides Delores’s assurances, and certainly the Handler was not a stranger to making remarks about Five’s abilities and looks. It was much different though, something he can’t explain.

“Whatever,” he finally huffs. “I’m just going to get this dress, those skirts, and the shirts Diego picked out.”

There’s an awfully smug look on Diego’s face at Five’s words. Klaus places a hand on his heart, looking absolutely dejected in a theatrical sense. Ben actually seems a bit miffed. 

“Don’t worry,” Luther begins, placing a hand on Ben’s shoulder. “We can go to Hot Topic after this.”

Ben tears up. “God, I‘ve missed being able to steal those shitty pins.”

“I think Claire’s is the perfect shop for you, Fivey,” Klaus hums. “Let’s go there.”

“Trust me, if I somehow end up in that shop with you, only one of us will be leaving alive.”

“I’ve already been haunted by one brother for decades, and Ben was annoying enough.” Klaus looks genuinely distressed at the thought. “I couldn’t imagine getting stuck with you hounding my ass for seventeen years.”

“Out of all of us, I was a mercy,” Ben states.

Five rolls his eyes. “Whatever. There’s a rich guy to your left Allison, who I think would be very happy to supply us some funds.”

Allison smiles at Five, something warm and soft despite the fact that she’s about to steal a man’s wallet. She ruffles Five’s hair before making a beeline for the rich man. Five just sighs.

Maybe Hot Topic will have some clothes he’ll like.

**Author's Note:**

> fives a bit less chaotic bc there’s no apocalypse and like. he has time to just vibe and isn’t super stressed. this bitch loves his family so fucking much....
> 
> anyway if u want i have hcs:  
> Luther: cis heteromantic ace  
> Diego: bi and a little gender fucked but doesn’t talk about it  
> Allison: bi with a preference for men  
> Klaus: pan gender fluid  
> Five: genderqueer, not sure what sexuality but definitely multiple genders  
> Ben: gay as hell  
> Vanya: bi but with a preference for girls


End file.
